The Case for a little bit of Selfishness: Why You Need to Be the Center of Your Own Universe
The Case for a little bit of Selfishness: Why You Need to Be the Center of Your Own Universe
Think for a second about your feelings of the word "selfish”. We’re told that being a good person—a good partner, a good parent, a good friend—means being selfless. We are encouraged to pour from our cup until we are empty.
But I want to challenge that. I want to encourage you to be positively selfish.
What if you are ok being the center of your own universe? What if I tell you that you already are? Not out of cruelty or arrogance; just exploring from a biological and emotional lens. If we don’t attend to our own needs what may happen? Will we have anything left to give? I am not at all suggesting that you be selfish all the time or that you ignore the needs of your loved ones and your community. I am suggesting we still do these things when they align with our values and they can come from a rested and fulfilled space once we have ensured that we are meeting our own needs as well.
Think about the Oxygen Mask
We’ve all heard the airplane safety briefing: Put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others. It’s a cliché for a reason. Think about how useless you would be if you didn't. If you’re gasping for air while trying to help the person next to you, you may both pass out. In that scenario, your "selflessness" didn't save anyone—it just doubled the number of people in trouble.
When we refuse to be selfish with our time and energy, we aren't being heroes. We are becoming liabilities.
The Slingshot Effect
Many of us worry that pulling back is a sign of weakness or laziness. I want you to view it differently. Think of a slingshot. To send a stone forward with power and precision, you must first pull back. You must take a moment to aim if you want to hit your target.
Self-care—choosing your needs over the immediate demands of your kids, your partner, or your boss—is that pullback. If you never allow yourself the space to reset and breathe, you lose your aim. You show up as a diluted version of yourself. By being "selfish" enough to pause, reflect and take stock of situations, you ensure that when you finally do "show up," you do so as your full, present, and capable self.
Operating from Abundance, Not Obligation
Being positively selfish isn't about taking things away from your friends and family or ignoring your community. It’s about coming from a place of abundance rather than scarcity.
The next time you’re faced with a choice, I want you to engage in a bit of Balanced Decision Making. Instead of asking, "What does everyone else expect from me?" ask yourself:
Do I actually want to show up to this?
Do I have enough left in the tank for this or am I taking from myself to be here?
Am I saying yes because of a value (like friendship), or am I saying yes because of a parasite (like guilt)?
Sometimes the best thing you can do is say “no”.
Let’s stop apologizing for having needs. Let’s want good things for ourselves. When we allow ourselves the space to be "selfish," we aren't just helping ourselves—we are ensuring that the people in our lives get the very best version of us, rather than just what’s left of us.
Homework: Think of one thing this week you’ve been doing out of pure obligation and stop! What would happen if you were "positively selfish" and reclaimed that time for yourself?
